As okay as I'll ever be, thank you, darling

You’re welcome.

Emotional torment.

I recently saw a post regarding how powerful the statement, “telling your son not to be such a girl,” really is.

That post really hurt. Not because it was offensive or anything, but because I’ve grown up with that all my life. It really struck home and has left me with flashbacks I wish hadn’t come up.

I remember when I was a kid my favourite colour was rainbow. I was probably age 5 and blatantly remember my mother saying, “Rainbow can’t be your favourite colour, that’s not good.” Ever since then, my favourite was blue. That was the first time I’ve ever seen my parents in shock, and it certainly wasn’t the least. In truth, that statement took its toll on me throughout the years, and I haven’t been the same kid since. To this day, these are some phrases I’ve had to put up with:

Rainbow can’t be your favourite colour, that’s not good.

Dress more like a guy.

Stop playing with your sister’s barbies.

Don’t show emotion.

That’s for girls.

Oh gawd please, what did we do wrong? We didn’t raise you this way did we?

We are embarrassed for you.

Why are you wearing that? You wanna look like a girl?

Find a nice girl, Trey. Do you want to be alone all of your life?

Do you want to get sick? This lifestyle you chose is not the easiest.

Please find a girl for us. She’ll take care of you because no guy will.

Don’t act too feminine at that interview, please.

This is just one of the challenges I am faced with while living at home. I’m locked in a cage. I can’t live my life the way I want. I don’t want that life, and I need to get the fuck out of this state. For those of you who say, “it gets better.” …NO. It does not get better. Quite frankly, it gets worse.

I’m truly sorry for having posted this, but as my tumblr followers you have a duty to me. I truly support the light and encouragement from each and every one of you. Without you, I probably wouldn’t be here. Today is a day where I truly feel vulnerable. Darkness has its grasp on me, and doesn’t want to let go. I know I’ll get through this, but for now…admitting to the problem was the first step.

I have so many regrets.